I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
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Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.