If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
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Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home