Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
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If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Day 2 of my diet
this makes me so uncomfortable
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef