i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
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Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”