On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
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It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.