Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
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[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.