He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
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I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Bike for sale
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”