fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
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Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine