If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
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I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
consequences, the bane of my existence
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.