There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
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me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.