My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
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I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said