the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Real House Wines.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.