Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
You Might Also Like
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.