A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
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Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?