Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]