If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
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My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
What flavor cupcake are these
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅