“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
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When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
When you’ve simply given up.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”