got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
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We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.