LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
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me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
*frowns in Scottish*
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Found my door mat
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?