Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
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As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
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Expectations vs. Reality
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.