“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
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“You drive, I’m tired.”
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*