When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
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“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Monica just destroyed the internet
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me