Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
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if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice