HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
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ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.