My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
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[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
When I laugh on my period
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee