Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
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Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.