Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
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My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
A man of commitment.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”