i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
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It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
All generalizations are stupid.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you