Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
You Might Also Like
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee