We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
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what’s the point then??
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
want me to check your oil?