You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
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Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
A completely valid reaction tbh
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6