Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
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Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
drew a comic about my origin story
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur