*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS