My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
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Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
🤣😈🤣
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”