What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
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Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh