REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
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I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
for all #parents out there
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
no cat here
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.