Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
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Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I see your IQ test came back negative