me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
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*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is