Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
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Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.