When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
You Might Also Like
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
This a good idea
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.