5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
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Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.