I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
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I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
what day is it?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
No laws when master is gone
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.