I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
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If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.