You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
You Might Also Like
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.