Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
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Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Here’s a meme
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.