I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
You Might Also Like
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Well, this is awkward
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome