Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
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John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.