[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
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In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
#parenting