when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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*watches the world burn*
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
So creative 😂
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend