ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
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Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Breakfast for Stoners:
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
#Caturday
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Are you ok, human???
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma: